On the cusp of yet another year. According to the Mayans, the last year...

Good evening.

Here we are, at the close of 2011.  Big changes in my life this year, to be sure.  I don't need to recap them in this post; if you want to know what happened to me, read the posts prior to this one.  They're fun and enlightening.  Some of you might even laugh.  Or cry.  It all depends really on how emotional you get.  And your meds.

I write this post @ just after 6PM local time here on the North Coast.  I have no weekend plans, save for World of Warcraft.  I won't be going to any New Years' bashes.  Not my thing.  No, I'll just sit in the house with the dogs and stare at pixels, hoping, praying that the new year is better than the last.

Which brings me to this:  I really, really hope that 2012 goes better.  The Mayans didn't seem to think it would.  Mark December 21 on your calendars for next year, folks, and wait and see.  I imagine there will be widespread crazy in the days leading up to the Winter Solstice.  I remember New Years' Eve 1999.  People were walking around as if in a daze...the tension in the general public was palpable.  Then nothing happened.  Instead of the world going dark, we got to watch Alan Alda wax nostalgic in an interview with Peter Jennings.  Yes, Alan Alda.  I know, right?  It isn't every day that you get to hear an actor give us his views.  Oh, wait...

I've decided I'm going to be prepared, whatever that means.  For what, I really don't know.  If December 22 comes and the world is still turning, then we can all laugh at how paranoid we got.  If December 22 comes and the whole thing's in the toilet, well...

I'll let somebody else figure that one out.

Updating the crazy...

So...

After meeting with my doctor, the inital diagnosis is Panic Disorder w/o Agoraphobia and Non-specific Personality Disorder, meaning I'm showing traits of multiple different personality disorders.

I will be engaging in talk therapy and have been prescribed Zoloft to deal with the depression and anxiety.  Unfortunately that will take a few weeks to really get into my system and I have to just deal with the attacks until then.  Which sucks.  I'm coming out of one now, and it started on my way home this afternoon.  I'm fully aware they're happening, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent them.  I can still function, kind of like "going through the motions" of life, and it takes a bit of effort.

The fear and paranoia were almost overwhelming this time.  I found myself hunched up as if I were cold.  Spooky.  I'm having some difficulty writing this, as I am now very tired; this I have found is normal after an attack.  I know there's a depression component there, and I know I expend huge amounts of energy fighting it.

After I got home I logged into WoW in the hope of shaking it, but I'm not in the mood (for WoW; I'm definitely in the mood of shaking this thing).  So I've decided on a movie for now.  J.J. Abrams' reboot of Star Trek is serving as a nice distraction.  Great flick.

In the end I will likely nap.  I'm tired...so tired...

Just In Case You Forgot...

I went four days without an episode.  It was glorious.

Until this morning.

It is like my brain did not want to lull me into a false sense of security, and as such a nice, little anxiety attack was served up for me.  While driving into work.  Again.  Thankfully this one wasn't as intense as the one I had last Wednesday.

While I don't know what causes them just yet, I do know when they're coming on, and that all I have to do is keep some semblance of calm and I can manage to get through it.  The only problem with this is it leaves me literally drained for the remainder of the day.  Throw in the nice, 80 degree temps in my office and all I want to do is sleep.  One thing I noticed both last week and this morning:  there was a "hot, popping" sensation that went along with each attack.  This is more than a little unsettling.  I'll have to bring this up to the doc when I see her on Thursday.  I'm sure that will lead to bloodwork.  Yay, vampires...well...'tis the season ;)

In the meantime, I have some questions to ask someone regarding those "hot, popping" sensations.

More to follow, likely on Thursday.  Until then...

Beginnings...

Good morning!

Today, I have my first counseling session.  I'm nervous and excited, for obvious reasons; even though they're obvious I'll explain...

Nervous because this is new territory for me.  I'm not one for seeking help as I have always figured a way to get things done myself.  Relinquishing control is not something I do easily.

Excited because I know I can't do this alone, and I'm ready to get started.

Besides, there may be some hot-looking crazy women there.  And you know what they say about sex with crazy women...What, too soon?

C'mon, you should know me by now...if there's a highly inappropriate joke in there, I'm falling back on my defense mechanisms.

Anyway, wish me luck...

Updating the Crazy...

Wow.  Look at that...two posts in one week.  What will people think?

Hell, nobody reads this.  It really doesn't matter...

Anyway, since Monday I've had episodes on three different days, all roughly at around the same time.  As I now know what it feels like as it comes on it was actually much easier to deal with.  The funny (strange, not funny ha-ha) thing about these is they've all hit right around 10-10:30 AM.  Weird, huh?

After the "big" episodes, I've had smaller ones throughout the day.  I recognize them, but that doesn't mean I still don't think I'm going absolutely nuts.  It sucks.  I really hope it doesn't take the VA for-fucking-ever to get my paperwork processed, but that's what I'm expecting.  The wheels of government turn slowly, and though I realize the VA isn't the government, they work with the government, and the government has absolutely zero inclination to properly take care of the veterans who served it.  Which also sucks, but that's the breaks.

I'm really tired right now, but feel that I still have something to say, and I have no idea what that is.  I have the Counting Crows up pretty loud right now; I still think this is the best CD to come out of the 90's.  Every song is great.  Not merely good, but great.  And all of them are still relevant today, both in mood and sound.  Nothing preachy, nothing topical.  Just really damned good music.

Don't know if I said this in my Monday (Tuesday?) post, but I have definitely put off any ideas of any type of relationship with anybody.  I am not right, and as such I am no good for anybody.  I need to get me right before even thinking of letting anybody into my little world.  Which means I'm alone for that much longer.  But I'd rather be alone now and happy later than run the risk of screwing up somebody other than me. 

The only thing that scares me more than mental illness is the stigma of mental illness.  Once you're labeled, it becomes a lifetime label.  Yes, I know that with the proper medication and therapy I will be able to overcome this or at the very least I will be able to effectively live with it.  That brings me little comfort if I have to change jobs down the road and have to check some kind of box that requires me to disclose how fucked up I am.  I've dealt with, albeit indirectly (as in not me but somebody close to me), the effects that a lifetime illness can have, and frankly it sucks.  A lot.  I really don't want to be walking through the grocery store and have a fucking freak-out session.  But I know it can happen, and likely will.

Ah well, now I'm getting paranoid about shit that hasn't happened yet.  Suck it up, man...you've a long way to go.

Good night...

'Round Here...

I would like to start this entry by saying thank you, Counting Crows, for the inspiration for this post, not to mention the title...

I have issues, and in case it wasn't obvious before, I'm putting it out there.  Over the last twenty odd years, I have either self-medicated (until 2002) and/or thrown all of my focus at others while brushing aside my own issues.  Today, after 7 odd months of living alone, and out of nowhere I had this huge, heavy overwhelming feeling of dread wash over me.  It was crippling...stifling...and I was at work.  Thankfully the guy I work with was out of the office when it hit.  I've spent so much time ignoring myself and hoping that whatever issues I have would resolve themselves over time that I really thought I could fix it myself.  I can't.  Oh, and the drive home was fun, too.  Bouts of crying while driving.  Awesome.

I believe I'm starting to feel the effects of long-buried PTSD.  I woke up this morning feeling better than I had in days, hell, maybe even weeks.  Slept like a rock.  Like a dead rock actually.  Woke up at 6:00 refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle the week.  Until about 10-10:30.  That's when the waves started crashing.  And they wouldn't let up...relentless...waves of dread and depression washed over me like a hard, cold rain.  I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate on anything but the dread.  Like I said, stifling.

It should be noted that in my "exit interview" from military service (that's code for psychiatric evaluation) I was told that I was narcissistic and had traits of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  I really need to research that.  I remember looking it up many years ago, but don't remember anything about it.  I don't think I saw anything that, at the time, sounded remotely familiar.  I think I'll check real quick-like...

Wow.  That's fucking scary as hell.  And I've exhibited many of those symptoms (denial, it seems, is not a river in Africa).  Some of them recently, some not so recently.  Awesome.  But I won't, can't self-diagnose.  I will seek treatment for whatever it is that's going on in my head.

Oh yeah, for shits and giggles I also looked up narcissism, but only to confirm what I already knew.  So this is actually quite comical if you think about it.  If that shrink from 16 years ago was correct, I'm essentially a self-loathing narcissist.  That's fucking hilarious.  Not to mention completely and utterly contradictory. 

Then again, if he was correct, it is really no wonder I'm so fucked up.

Been a while...

I know it has been more than a while since my last life-update.  The truth is when you have no life, what seriously is there to update?  Oh, I played WoW.  Again.  And again.  See the picture I'm painting here?

So I'm going to rant.  About nothing particularly personal.

#1 Rant:  The Government.

Seriously?  I mean, truly, seriously?  You clowns, left and right, are destroying what little faith the "little guy" has left in this country.  I mean, I know you don't care.  You don't, and you can admit it.  It's okay.  The only thing you clowns care about is getting re-elected.  So you can continue your years-long theft-in-office retirement plans.  As for your constituents...you may have heard of them...they're known as "the People."

You remember where those guys were first mentioned, right?  As in "We, the People..."

Thought so.

Do us all a favor.  Resign.  Walk away.  Get some people in there who actually give a shit about the country as a whole, and not just the lobbyists that buy you clowns off.  I don't care how or why you go away, just go away.

#2 Rant:  The Economy

This one kinda goes along with the politicians.  Guess what America...we still haven't climbed out of the first recession yet.  I don't give a flying wombat shit what the government or the financial "experts" say, walk up to any random person on the street and ask, and I assure you 7 of 10 (unscientific numbers being pulled from the air, but I'll bet I'm pretty much right on the money here) people are in no better shape than they were 4 years ago, and are likely worse off.

Government needs to keep out of the economy, save for CREATING AN ECONOMIC CLIMATE THAT WILL ALLOW THE PRIVATE SECTOR TO CREATE JOBS.  The government doesn't create jobs.  Hell, our government can't get out of it's own way on the way to the toilet let alone create anything worthwhile.  So yeah, let the government create jobs.  Laughable.  (Agreed, this second part should go in the government rant)

#3 Rant:  News Media/Media in General

I normally don't use language this harsh in this blog, but I'd like to tell the news media, the talking heads, Hollywood stars, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, (can't bash a lib without a con, trying to be fair here) to FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!  How about this, you assclowns in the news media:  REPORT THE FACTS WITHOUT YOUR LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE BIAS.  Most people can form an opinion of something given enough information about it.  FUCKING LET US DO THAT.  And I really don't want or need entertainment industry types chiming in on their viewpoints.  Just because you have a famous name and/or face doesn't mean we want to hear or see you chime in regarding how you feel about what political movement.  Yes, Morgan Freeman, I mean you in this instance.

CNN needs to change names, to CON, and no, I'm not saying they're a conservative network.  Just replace the word News with Opinion, largely due to your left-leaning needle.  Christ, your "reporting" leans like a gas gauge on E.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to see all "news" shows/networks drop the word "news" from their names.  They are feeding opinions in the form of news.  Too much bias.

/end Rant.

Well, that's pretty much all I have for today.  I know it is a huge departure from the usual very personal stuff that I write about, but damn, this is somewhat personal, and should be for all of us. 

This is the future of our nation being laid out before our eyes.  The nation of our children's children.  And not only is it frightening, but it is fucking sad as well.

Good night, and good luck!

New stuff...

Hello world!

Well, I had a plan.  The plan was to drive the car I had for another year, milk the no-house-payment house for as long as I could and save some money.

The car, however, had other plans.  It died.  2 Fridays ago.

So imagine how much fun I had going to a dealership, fresh off a bankruptcy, three DAYS on the new job (which I love, btw), and saying "yeah, I'm a great credit risk!"

I did get a new car, and the one that I wanted no less.  Which makes me happy :)
My credit score was much better than I expected it to be, as well...which is nice.  Now all I have to do is stay happy with the new job and things might just start to look up a bit more.

As for the personal life, you know, romantic entanglements, etc...well, I still don't have any.  Not that I'm in a huge rush to get there or anything, but it is nice to think about it.  Who knows, eventually I might actually NOT play WoW on a Saturday night... 

ROFL, yeah, right.

Anyway, I've started a personal video journal.  I won't be posting it here (hell, I rarely write anything here), and am using it to see where I am in my "rebirth."

Based on the ramblings from my first videologue, I'd say I went back up the birth canal.

Meh, have a good week folks.

Noteworthy events...

It was 98 degrees today, and my car doesn't have air conditioning.  That sucks.

I did get a new job, but it isn't in Michigan, so I will be staying in Cleveland for the foreseeable future.  As I waited for word on around 100 resumes, I sent 6 out to companies in the Cleveland area.  4 phone interviews, 3 in person interviews requested.  I took a good job doing exactly what I want to be doing at this point in my life.   I'm quitting my current job tomorrow and taking a nice, relaxing 10-day vacation, of sorts.  So that's good :)

I also finished my dissolution today, and I'm pretty sad about it.  I will say that my ex and I parted well, and are still great friends; I hope to remain so, and will work towards that end.

One down...

Finally.  The bankruptcy is over, and my debt has been discharged.  Thank God.

Now I'm waiting to hear from the court so my marriage can be dissolved.  Very mixed feelings there, honestly.

As to the job front, I've now officially have had four interviews.  Three firsts, and one second.  Hopefully something breaks soon.  I really don't want moving anywhere to come down to an eviction notice being posted on my door, which now that the bankruptcy has been resolved can essentially happen at any time.

But life is getting easier...the bankruptcy finishing up is a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

Things are looking up a bit...

What to write...

Hmm...honestly I don't know.  I know it has been some time since my last post, and they haven't come as often as they should/could be.  I just have nothing of any real import to say.  The bankruptcy should be done as of last Friday; now it is only a matter of receiving papers.  Once I have those in hand, the dissolution will be finalized.

The job hunt continues, and I was able to secure two interviews last week.  They went well, though I've only heard from one of the companies regarding the possibility of a second.

I guess I'm here writing tonight because I'm lonely.  I've played WoW for the better part of the last two days, and really just needed to disconnect (at least from that for the remainder of the evening).  I was going to go to the local rib cook-off this weekend with a few people from work, but begged out instead.  I'm just not ready to be that social.

When I was younger, socializing was easy.  I had booze, the Great Equalizer.  Now I don't, and honestly I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I feel at least a little socially retarded.  Yes, I know that word isn't popular, but you know me...call a spade a spade and all that.  It is what it is.  Not that I'm going to start drinking again so I can be the life of a party that I'm uncomfortable at to begin with, quite the opposite.  I need to learn who I am, really learn who I am before I can even begin to venture out into public social situations.  Until I do that, I'm as useful socially as a soup sandwich.  No crutches allowed.

As I go through these old postings, it looks like I'm the guest of honor at my own private pity party.  I can see how that could be the perception.  I'm really trying to not do that; I'm trying to post the good with the bad.  When the good eventually happens, it'll be here.

Anyway, i'm going to head out and get something to eat.  It'll be bad for me, and I'll thoroughly enjoy it.

Enjoy your Memorial Day, folks.

Clarifications...

Just wanted to clarify one thing for you readers out there...

When I refer to my soon-to-be ex-wife as the"Ex Mrs. Me", I'm making that reference to protect her identity.  I'm not making it to be snide or hurtful in any way.  She has always been, and will always be very special to me.  While I hope to remain friends with her once everything is all said and done, that is her decision to make.

More to follow in the days ahead...

My Apologies...

Hello again, world...I know it has been some time since my last post, and for that I apologize.  Things have been more than a little eventful lately, and while I wish I could report that I've found a new job or have moved, that isn't the case.  What has been happening is difficult, to be sure, but due to the fact that I'm not the only party involved, I'm not going to be talking about it, at least not publicly.

What I can and will talk about is that I've applied for jobs with no less than 40 different companies.  I've received some feedback, a couple thanks-but-no-thanks replies, and some genuine interest.  I'm hopeful that that interest actually translates into employment, but I'm not holding my breath.  I don't have the luxury.

So, the courts granted a Relief of Stay to my mortgage company, so they can now pursue foreclosure.  Again.  Happy filing fees, guys, I hope you enjoy becoming homeowners.  Me getting one so I can continue my dissolution proceedings, however, is more trouble than it is worth.  It seems that my attorney has never filed one, and that if I wanted to continue, it would take roughly as long to be granted as it will to receive my discharge papers once my bankruptcy finishes up, and of course would cost more money in filing fees, attorney's fees, whathaveyou.  So that's nice.  Either way, my creditors have less than four weeks to file objections to my bankruptcy.  I'm hopeful that they don't, and that everything goes through as it is supposed to, but again, I'm not holding my breath on that either.  Once I get the papers, I can finish the dissolution.  Ugh.

Oh, and to finish with a bit of good news for a change.  Kiska is home with me, and she is doing wonderfully.  She was a bit leery of me for about 1/2 a second at the shelter, but once everything clicked she was just perfect.  I'm really glad she's back :)

More to follow...

Happy Anniversary...

Today marks my 8th wedding anniversary.  Needless to say, it isn't the happiest of days for me at this point.  But I am pressing forward.  I have sent a number of resumes to Michigan, and am hoping that one of them finds its way into the right hands.  I am actively looking for a home there; the fact that I still don't know where I'll be working is obviously hindering that process somewhat.  It would make no sense for me to live in Holly if I'm working in, say, Saginaw.  The drive alone would "drive" me nuts.  See what I did there?

Oh, and a bit of good news...one of my dogs, Kiska, is coming back to me.  On the day of her surrender, she bit the director of the shelter.  Not good.  She was terrified, of course, but that doesn't matter.  She got 10 days in bite quarantine for that little maneuver, but because of who I am and my relationship with the shelter I'm able to retrieve her.  I pick her up on Thursday, so I'm looking forward to that.  It may take quite a few treats for her to trust me again, but that's a risk I'll just have to take.  I have to start socializing her as well, so we're going to be taking some weekend excursions to parks, etc.  She'll wear a muzzle (the soft kind) to ensure safety of others, but at least she has a chance.  The other six are all adjusting very well...leash training, spays, neuters and vetting is complete to include vaccinations.  They're all going to a rescue organization together, which is completely awesome, and really more than I could have ever hoped for or accomplished on my own.  I have the Friendship APL to thank for that.

Well, I should probably get back to work...have a good day :)

Empty...

Warning:  This post is not funny.  If you're prone to tears, do not continue.

Saturday afternoon, I surrendered my Eskies.  All seven of them.  To see what I'm talking about, Google "Miniature American Eskimo Dog" (sans quotes) and click on Images.

It was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  And I've done a lot of things that have been difficult.  I thought waiting for the APL representatives (who were completely awesome, by the way) was difficult, but when I individually carried every one of these dogs to the van and put them in crates to be taken to the facility, I lost it.  I cried with each individual dog.  I told them all goodbye, and that I loved them very, very much and they will get wonderful families.  I looked at their faces as the door was closed, looked at them through the window and actually felt my heart breaking as I sobbed uncontrollably.  This post is dedicated to them...

Attu, with your twirling and howling and soulful eyes, I will miss you always.

Kiska, with your propellor-like tail wag and your boundless energy, I love you very much.

Kadi, with the sometimes quizzical look on your face, head tilt and tremendous Eskie hugs, you will be the star of your new family.

Jack, the size of your heart belies the size of your body.  You will make somebody very happy, and will make everybody smile.

Moose, like your father, your eyes will haunt any who look upon them.  Your high-fives when I walked into your room are and will be sorely missed.

Petey, your brilliance is surpassed only by your playfulness.  Keep play-bowing, buddy...and know that I miss you.

Sweetie, who learned to hop by watching a chihuahua do it, I miss your arguments.  I miss you waiting to be petted when you came inside from a potty break.

Sweet babies, you will find your people and soon.  You all now have the opportunity to run and play and be the stars of your own shows, whether on the lap of a nice lady or running on a farm chasing butterflies.  You will all shine now, brighter than ever before.

I love you all, dear sweet Eskies...

Meltdown...

Yeah, today was fantastic.  Started with my dogs going off @ 4:30AM.  Then my "elder statesman" of the pack decides that 4:30AM is a great time to go pee.  The problem with that is, he didn't "let me know."  Instead, he simply saunters into the hallway off the kitchen, hikes, and empties.  I swear to God he peed literally for 2 minutes straight, even with me yelling "STOP!!!"  Unbelievable.

So after cleaning his lake of pee I tried to go back to sleep.  Yeah, that's happening.  So I lay in bed for roughly an hour in a futile attempt to salvage what was left of what precious little sleep time I have.  Yeah, that worked out.

So I drive in to work, and honestly really don't remember the drive.  I get to work, and contact the auto repair shop I called two days prior to see how much it would be to fix my exhaust.  The guy tells me its going to be $800, and I literally laugh at him on the phone, thank him for his time, and hang up.

So here I am, with a car that really needs to be repaired, no sleep, and with all the other shit swirling the bowl I start melting down.  I go to my immediate supervisor; you remember her, right?  Ms. "Do we need to make a change?"  I ask if I can have the rest of the day off to get things taken care of, and to just have a minute to breathe.  I get the lecture about being a salaried employee blah blah blah (which, by the way, I have had 80 hours or more on every two-week timesheet since I started, save one) and that I'm "skating on thin ice."

I stop the meeting right there, and invoke my right to speak with HR, and tell my immediate supervisor that she has essentially threatened my job no less than five times since I started, and has created a hostile work environment, and I leave her office.  She steps out and asks, loudly I might add, if I'm leaving for the day.  I answer, equally loudly, that I was going to inform the VP that I need to speak with HR.

I finally find the VP and explain the situation as best I can, as I'm essentially nearly in full-on meltdown/two-steps-from-a-nervous breakdown mode.  She tells me that she needs to hear both sides of the story before determining if it was indeed a hostile work environment (odd that somebody who wasn't present for any of the other comments gets to determine that, but whatthefuckever).  She also asks me to step out for half-an-hour, which I do, and when I return I set to getting some work done.  I avoid everybody, as I'm not feeling all that sociable at this point.  I sit in the computer room and try to remotely remove profiles from lab machines, but can't get to the admin shares.  I get to do this in the labs themselves.  Yay.

I'm heading to the labs, and run into my supervisor again, who informs me that she needs to talk with me with another member of the staff (who happens to be a lawyer).  She tells me that I need to take the rest of the day off and that I need to compile a list of duties and responsibilities (which I did for her months ago), blah blah blah.

My question, dear readers, is this:  Why the fuck didn't she just say "hey, I understand, take the rest of the day" in the first place instead of getting on her feminazi high-horse?

I have no fucking clue either.

Tomorrow should  be interesting...

I would make a fantastic Agoraphobe...

I truly believe that if it wasn't for having to go to work, I would never leave the house.  I'd definitely rarely get dressier than sweatpants.  Why bother?

I left work at the customary 5PM on Friday, and I haven't left the house since I got home Friday evening.  I went outside today to help load a few critters into their new owners' car, and took out most of the trash, but that's it.  Shut-ins everywhere would be proud!

I don't know what it is, but I really don't feel like being physically social with people.  What I mean by that is I don't want to put forth the effort to get all gussied (jeans and a t-shirt) up and go out and mingle with humanity.  I really don't.  I have no problem smoking and joking with my friends in WoW over Ventrilo; quite the contrary I talk to everybody in there.  Wow, I might have some serious issues here...

So, as a result, my weekend diet consisted of pop-tarts, fruity pebbles knockoff cereal, hot dogs, and a Di'giorno pizza.  Stuffed crust, no less.  Yeah, I got all fancy this weekend LOL.  I didn't even want to hop in the car and head to a drive-through.  Anti-social?  Probably.  Lazy?  With the exception of taking care of the dogs, cleaning animal cages and going through more crap to toss on the curb, you betcha.

I am looking forward to next Saturday, though, as I'm planning to head to Michigan to look at potential rental property to secure.  I've tossed a dozen or so resumes out thus far, and am looking for even more work; basically if you shoot enough shotgun pellets, something will hit the target.  I'm taking my shepherd-mix with me, primarily so he doesn't pee on my kitchen and/or bathroom floor while I'm gone, but also to get some quality alone-time with him.  He's been shell-shocked since my wife left, and needs to be the center of attention for a day.  He's really a great dog.  Maybe someday I'll post pictures here, but not yet.  I want the reader to be intrigued, not repulsed ROFL.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off and get to bed at an actual decent hour.  It will be nice being rested again going into what promises to be one really excellent week of psychofem bosses freaking out over things they have no control over, then wanting me to fix what I have no control over.  Yeah, good times ahead...

Drew Carey lied to us...

...Cleveland definitely does not rock.  It is actually more akin to a death rattle...you know...the sound a bad guy makes in an action flick just before he dies.  But "Cleveland Death-Rattles" doesn't really dance off the tongue, so, yeah...

And yes, I know Michael Stanley wrote (and performed) the song, but since nobody outside of Cleveland would know that I figured Drew Carey was the better reference.

If you hadn't noticed, I really am sick of this town.

The least amount of fun you can have with your clothes on...

...in my experience anyway, is the Creditor's Meeting for a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy proceeding.  I've never been audited by the IRS, but I'm pretty sure there's a cavity search involved there (for kicks, I'll bet, as you really wouldn't hide financial records in your ass, would you?), so your clothes wouldn't technically be on now, would they?  Oh, and the Creditors?  Yeah, they weren't there.  And apparently never are.  But they have 60 days to object.  Yeah, that's fair.  If you are summoned to court and don't show, you lose.  If your creditors are summoned and don't show, they get 60 days to answer.  I'm not saying that the system is slow or anything, but just think of what YOU could do with 60 days.

Anyway, you sit there and answer questions for about 10 minutes.  In the "grand scheme" that doesn't really sound too painful, and the answers are all "yes, sir" and "no, sir."  If you need to elaborate, the Trustee will ask you to do so.

So I'm sitting there, answering with my "yes, sir/no, sir" answers, elaborating when asked, but all the while my inner monologue is saying "No, sir, and that's because I'm a financial failure" and "Yes, sir, and that's because I suck." and so on and so forth.

In the nine years I've been sober, I haven't really wanted a drink.  Until today.  Good thing I have Diet Pepsi on-hand and no desire to leave the house...

So this is what rested feels like...

Man, do I feel great today...

I got one more hour of sleep last night than I normally get, and I feel fantastic.  Refreshed almost.  Not that I still wouldn't mind hibernating for a month or so and just let the world pass by, but when you get some decent sleep, your whole outlook changes, at least a little bit for a little while.

My WoW friends have been very supportive during this time, as has my family.  I talk via phone with my family daily, and with my WoW friends via Ventrilo just as much.

Looking at that last mini-paragraph, I really think I need to reclassify my WoW friends.  As I have very, very few friends to begin with, and none within an actual visitable radius, I'm just going to call them my friends.  How or where I interact with them is of no consequence.

Anyway, my FRIENDS have been very supportive.  They know what I'm going through, and understand when I just don't have the energy to start a raid at 9PM, or just can't start that heroic instance run at 10:15.  Last night I very closely resembled the Night of the Living Dead...kind of shuffling through the house in a fog, running into walls, that sort of thing.  The only thing lacking was the whole smell of the living dead thing.  Which is good.

So I bowed out early, and actually got into bed at around 10:30.  Slept like the dead.  Not the living dead, just the dead.  The pack woke me up twice, and I went right back out.  I woke up, did the routine, and came to work.  Like I said I feel fantastic!

Oh, and I've come to a decision.  I will be moving back to Michigan once everything's all said and done.  I've done some salary comparisons (not average salary based on title, but actually looking up jobs and seeing what they're paying) for five different cities.  My hometown of Flint, Michigan is actually paying a little better than cities such as Detroit, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, and Raleigh, NC.  And that's likely due to the fact that so many people have left the area to pursue careers elsewhere that there's simply not enough people there to do the work that needs to be done.

So with that decision behind me, I now just need to slog through what I need to do next.  Which is purge the crap that I'm not keeping, get through the bankruptcy (hearing is Monday, hopefully we can one-and-done it), finalize the divorce, and place 7 dogs into new homes.  Oh, and secure a job in Michigan as well as a place to live.  I really don't want to move without having work unless I have absolutely no other choice.

So, despite our crappy Cleveland-area weather, I'm having a pretty good day.

Hope you do as well...

Must Love Dogs...

Sooo...

14.  The number of mornings I've gotten my ass out of bed @ 6:30 AM or earlier.  In a row.

Yes, I'm aware it is Sunday.  But when you have 11 dogs that have to go outside, this is the time to get started.  At least on Saturday and Sunday.  During the week I'm up at 5.

I love my dogs, I really do.  I also know that I alone can not take care of 11 dogs.  The soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Me used to take care of them during the week, and I'd give her a break on the weekends.  Now there are no breaks.

I contacted a breed rescue organization for 7 of my dogs (we used to breed these; bred two litters, but haven't bred a litter in 5 years).  On day 1 I received no less than a dozen e-mails.  Fantastic!  Or so I thought, anyway.  Lots of good intentions.  And what is the road to Hell paved with, children?  Thaaaat's riiiight....

I'm tired, my coffee is cold and right now I really would like nothing more than to enjoy a cup of coffee that is at least warm by the time I finish it and not get jarred awake 4x during the night by my dogs barking at some random sound they hear somewhere outside.  Basically a full night of uninterrupted sleep and hot coffee would set me right up.  Oh, and sex.  Did I mention it has been a year since I last did that?  Yeah.  I'm awesome.  Ugh.

Oh yeah, and I found out that I have eczema.  On my hands, which is awesome considering I rely on them for my job.  So, yeah, cracking/bleeding skin on my hands.  Loving that.  I did find out that it is brought on by, of all things, stress.  So it really is no surprise.  I hate surprises like that.  LOL

So the hits just keep on coming.  The trouble is, those hits are popping me square in the face.  At least I don't have eczema on my face.  Boy, wouldn't THAT be appealing.

Well, back to the dogs.  Hope both (of my readers LOL) of your weekends have gone better than mine. 

Maybe next week will be better.

I'll let you know...

Hate my Life...

Wow.  What a shitbag week this has been.

Started off okay, not much happening, work took a huge dump on Wednesday and it pretty much stayed in the toilet the rest of the week, culminating in my getting pulled over on the way back to the office during lunch for, of all fucking things, fucking exhaust noise.

Wouldn't happen to be due to the fact that I'm driving an 11-year-old car now, would it?

Best part was the guy passing me just before the officer popped his lights.  I was going the speed limit.

Nobody ever said this blog would be all gumdrops and candy canes.

Subway was good for dinner though, so there's that silver lining.

Fuck it.

Raised by Wolves...

Good morning.

I am going to veer off the beaten path a *wee* bit this morning, and focus on something I thought of after checking out my daughter's Facebook page last night.  More on the Facebook page in a moment...

I'm wondering if it would have been better if my kids were raised by wolves.  Wolves require that lesser wolves in the pack work as a team.  One wolf alone does not bring the deer down for the pack's meal.  One wolf does not tend to the security of the pack.  They all do.

Which leads me to this:  after conversations with my kids over the years, I have gleaned that they have a sense of entitlement.  I have no idea where this comes from, as I have worked my ass off over the years to get to where I am now.  My very first job was washing dishes in a local pizzeria.  I've worked in gas stations and convenience stores and as a waiter.  I've been a security guard.  I was a soldier.  Then, when the opportunity presented itself, I was able to break into the IT field, as a 3rd shift computer room operator.  I moved up from there, and am now an IT Administrator.

When discussing potential jobs with my (now adult) children, I would ask questions like, "What about a fast-food job?  You like the food, and you eat for free or at a discount."  The answer:  "If I could get an Assistant Manager's job, sure."

Really?  Seriously?  Because they give those jobs away to just anybody who walks in off the street with no experience whatsoever.

Granted, I was not there for the raising of my children, which I know is not the easiest thing in the world with two parents present, let alone one.  The first ex-Mrs. Me and I split up when the kids were young, and my situation, created by me through a series of REALLY bad decisions, forced me to move 600 miles away.  I was able to get my shit together (relatively speaking) so I could be at least try to be effective as a person and as a non-custodial parent.  I did do the visitations, the child support and tried to instill them with values and work ethic whenever I had contact with them, which was fairly constant, be it over the phone or in person.  Never in all the rambling conversations I've had with my kids over the years have I said "Yeah guys, just wait for the world to hand you everything.  You've earned it!"

So yeah, when I heard that I was pretty damned shocked.  And dismayed.

But nowhere near as dismayed as I was when I looked at the photos (all public, mind you) on my daughter's Facebook page.

Teenagers and young adults, if for some sick reason you are reading this blog, please take note:  If you are going to have a Facebook page, it would behoove you to make your profile private so only your Facebook friends can see it.  Trust me on this.

Nothing makes daddy more proud than seeing a pic of daddy's little girl (or son for that matter) taking a hit from a bong.  Especially when daddy's little girl knows daddy has a drinking problem (9 years sober, btw, and damned proud of it) AND has been told (repeatedly) about both the dangers of addiction and substance abuse, AS WELL AS the genetic components regarding addiction.  Besides, future potential employers LOVE seeing how much a potential employee likes to party.  It makes hiring decisions SO much easier.

Here's the thing though:  I did the best I could given the circumstances I was operating under.  I know this.  I love both my children very much.  I gave them the best I had to offer.  What they do now, as adults, and what they choose to become, is on them.  I will feel bad for them when they are hurting, and help them pick themselves up when they get knocked down.  But I can't live their lives for them, and I can't stop them from doing what they want to do.  At this point in their lives, I can suggest and advise, and that's about it.  I've accepted this.

As this is getting a bit long, I will end with a joke that I like to tell:

A big game hunter decides that he's going to Alaska to hunt bear.  So he gets his gear together, flies to Alaska and gets to it.  He's tracking a bear, a Brown bear, shoots and kills it.

Moments later, something taps him on the shoulder.  Its a Black bear, who says "You just killed a friend of mine.  You have a choice.  I either get to eat you, or f#$k you."  The hunter obviously doesn't want to die, so he chooses the latter.

Ashamed, the hunter goes home, stews for about a year, then heads back to Alaska.  Determined to avenge his humiliation, the hunter finds the Black bear, shoots and kills it.  Another tap on the shoulder; this time its a Grizzly bear.  "You just killed a friend of mine.  You have a choice.  I either get to eat you, or f#$k you."

Again the hunter leaves Alaska, stews, then goes back for vengeance.  After killing the Grizzly Bear, he gets another tap on the shoulder, this time from a Polar Bear. 

The polar bear says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Back to work...

Well, lo and behold I made it through the weekend without driving too many relatives crazy.  Or at least they were decent enough to be quiet about it if I did :)

Sunday was truly a day of rest for me, which was much welcomed, as I had gotten everything done on Saturday that I needed to get done.  If "me time" had been an issue before, it certainly isn't now.  All I have is "me time".  And to be honest, that isn't such a bad thing.

So I made the most of my "me time" as I possibly could have.  I accepted a small number of friend requests on my Facebook page...thanks to all of you for that!  I was encouraged by one of them to keep writing.  My readers (all two of you lol) can thank him for that...seriously though, I am enjoying this.  Even if I don't get the immediacy of a verbal response, this is giving me an outlet to throw it all out there; to get it out of me.  And that's the cathartic part, at least for me.  I also got some good quality time with my WoW friends, which without them would have made this whole transition exceptionally difficult...they've been there for me every step of the way, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Well, I suppose that's it for now.  Tune in next time when I talk about things that may or may not matter to anyone but me.  Or, there may be new developments.  With this whole "life" thing, you really never know...

Thanks for reading...

First Full Weekend...

Well, this is the first full weekend that I've been alone in nine years.

Nine years.  That's a long time.  That's 3,285 days.  468 weeks.  Math is fun!

Anyway, yeah, my first full weekend.  I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that I had some trepidation about it for a while yesterday.  After all, this is fairly uncharted territory here, or at the very least wildly overgrown after nearly a decade without traffic.  I know that I'll end up playing WoW for most of it, and I'm fine with that ;)

I started it off by sleeping in, all the way to 6AM!  WOOT!  I've gotten the dogs out, fed, and back in, and am going to take a shower and head out to run my weekend errands shortly.  It's a damned good thing that the grocery store is open 24 hours.

Oh, and a bit of good news...the friend request I sent last night was accepted.  I have now officially reconnected with a dear friend from my past, and this is a very good thing.  She is special, but not in a hockey-gear way, and has always been a great friend.  The only problem with having a really good friend of the opposite sex is when you enter into new relationships with people is they tend to not want you to continue talking with attractive members of the opposite sex from your past for very long, and I can actually see the point to that.  It's a respect thing, for lack of a better explanation.

Hypothetical:  You meet this new girl (or guy, if the reader is female).  This new girl (or guy) was friends with somebody who was very attractive.  Regardless of the history between you and the old friend (in my case the only history was a strong friendship; I managed to have a friend who was an attractive female that I didn't screw things up with by trying to sleep with her.  Go figure.), there is going to be some friction there between you and your new special snowflake, especially if you and your old friend talk a lot, exchange e-mails, whatever.

Anyway, I've reconnected with this great old friend, who is now married and has two beautiful children.  Which is awesome :)

And I sincerely mean that.  Just because I suck at being a husband doesn't mean every marriage is doomed.  Marriage is a beautiful institution and is completely fantastic as long as I'm not part of it LOL.

Well, I'm off to take care of things.  Have a great weekend!

Facebook...

Okay, I did it.  I created my very own Facebook page.  I know, you're thinking "Wow, that's simply amazing.  Did you manage to do that all on your very own?  You're special."  I won't link it here, as this is my therapy and you, the reader (hopefully readers) are my therapist(s).  Or my live studio audience that I can't see due to the extremely bright stage lighting, laughing when appropriate, saying "awww" when appropriate, etc.  Hey, at least my imagination is healthy ;)

But yeah, I've joined the millions of other people out there who are...actually, I really don't know what people really use Facebook for.  Yeah, I know they can find old friends, rekindle old, dead romances, play Farmville (or any number of FB games that are out there), keep in touch with family, cheat on spouses, communicate with their bookie, give vital information to stalkers, become stalkers, whathaveyou.

Anyway, all of my information is private, but I do link this blog from my profile page for those who I "friend" to read so they can either a) encourage me to keep writing, b) tell me I'm an idiot for putting myself out here like this, c) have a yardstick to measure their lives against (here's a hint, anybody using my life as a yardstick to measure against pretty much automatically wins), d) pity me and/or send money (pity's nice enough I suppose, but money's better) or e) all/none of the above.  The last one is a multiple choice multiple choice answer.  Yes, I know I said "multiple choice" twice.

The really cool thing is I found an old friend that I haven't talked to in years, so I sent a friend request, which is either being a) accepted, b) rejected, or c) wondering who this person is and why they'd send a friend request (like I said, it has been years though I don't think I was THAT forgettable LOL).

I'm reading this post paragraph by paragraph as I write, and I'm wondering what the reader might think should he/she stumble upon this blog.  Let me explain one thing, and I'll make it perfectly clear:  I am NOT downing myself, ragging on myself, or thinking about harming myself in any way shape or form.  I happen to like self-deprecating humor; I'm a fan.  And besides, if we can't laugh at ourselves, we shouldn't be laughing at others.

I'll end tonight's semi-rambler with a funny little bit I found on Craigslist, of all places.  I wish I could take credit for this one...

"Firearms manufacturer Ruger is debuting a new pistol, in honor of President Obama.  It is called the "Union Worker."  It doesn't work, and can't be fired."

Damn, that's hilarious...g'night folks!

Perspective...

I woke up this morning to 5 inches of snow on my car.  I was a bit grumbly about it, of course.  I hate the snow.  I hate driving in the snow.

Then I heard on the radio about the earthquake/tsunami that hit Japan, and is hitting Hawaii as I write this.

Catastrophic events like these have a tendency to put everything else into its proper perspective.

Thoughts and prayers to those in the Pacific Rim...

Distractions...

Distractions are nice to have in a time like this.  My favorite distraction is World of Warcraft.  I've been playing for about a year, am in a guild (which essentially is a group of strangers from all over the place who enjoy each other's company enough to want to play the game with them), and we run around a digital world with our digital selves, fighting bad guys, monsters, whathaveyou.

A slightly less enjoyable distraction is the job.  For example, I really didn't want to go to work today.  Just not in the mood for it.  But here I am, attempting to "leave the personal stuff at home" as my immediate supervisor likes to say.  Along with "do we need to make a change?"  It would be interesting to hear what she would say if she had to walk a half a mile in my shoes.  "Leave the personal stuff at home?"  Really?  Seriously?

Hmm...let's see...losing the person you've shared everything with for the last 9 years (the total time we were together)...check...going through bankruptcy, knowing that you have to move out of the home you've known for the last 6 years...check.  One of those events alone is difficult enough to deal with.  Try both at the same time.  Fun, I tell you.  Lots of fun.

"Leave the personal stuff at home."  Bite me.

On the plus side for today, it is payday.  So I get to buy groceries.  Eating is good.  Personal hygiene is good.  So groceries are good.

Bah, I'm to the point of rambling; then again, isn't that the point of all this?  Ah, well...back to work so I can go home and be distracted.

Have a nice day :)

Meh...

So I had a status hearing today regarding my divorce.  My paperwork is in perfect order, according to the Magistrate, yet my divorce is being put on hold.  Why, you may ask?  Because our jointly-filed bankruptcy isn't discharged yet.  On the plus side, I had a gift card for Longhorn Steakhouse, so I went there for lunch.  Mmm...steak...

So, pro-tip for you crazy kids out there doing this for the first (or second, third, whathaveyou) time:  Make sure your jointly-filed bankruptcy is fully discharged before filing for divorce.  Or make sure your divorce is finalized before filing bankruptcy.  Your call.

So, yeah, that cat is now out of the bag.  Bankruptcy.  Joy.  Rapture.

Which, if you remember all the way back to yesterday, you'll recall where I mentioned how my home won't be mine for much longer?  Yeah, I'm losing it.  My home, that is.  So, a quick checklist, if you will:

• 40
• 3rd Divorce
• Bankrupt

Yeah, definitely "a catch."  Well, at least I have a job.  And a car.  And my dogs.  And a tenuous grip on sanity... ;)

Seriously though, I'm really not looking to be hunted, let alone caught.  I need to be alone for a bit.  And I definitely don't need to even remotely entertain marriage again.  I'm just not that good at it (obviously).

Well, that's all I feel like sharing today, so I think I'll go play WoW for a bit.  Oh, yeah, I play World of Warcraft.  A lot.  And no, that's not the reason for the divorce.  I believe that was going to happen regardless.  Like I said, I'm not that good at it.

Ciao for now...

Welcome...

Good morning world, and welcome to Confessions of a 3X Loser.

No, this isn't a blog about weight loss.  Confessions of a 3X Loser refers to my third failed marriage, where I am the loser.  Not that there are any winners in divorce, but I needed a catchy title.  Onward...

The beginning of the end of my marriage started last summer, when my wife of (then) 7 years informed me that she wanted a divorce.  I went through all of the inital emotions, from anger (my cell phone's hi-speed impact with a loading dock can attest to that), to grief (sitting in the corner of my darkened office, crying like a little girl), to acceptance.  Which is where I still am, roughly 9 months later.

My divorce will be final in two weeks.  The whole transition has been amicable, which helps.  It also helps that we've both been through a divorce or two before, and we're both adults.  So there's no point in getting all bitchy with one another.  Been here, done this.  Three times now.  And I'm only 40.  Which definitely makes me "a catch".  LOL

Anyway, the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Me expressed her desire to move out last weekend.  So, she spent the past week packing what she wanted to take with her; I spent the past week bringing all that she wanted to take with her into the living room so she wouldn't have to deal with stairs, etc.  She got her things packed up, and purged what she didn't wish to take with her.  I picked up the U-Haul truck on Saturday morning, loaded her things up, moved them (and her), and unloaded it all, ensuring to set up her TV/computer, put her bed back together, etc.  I returned the truck and went home.

It was a pretty stark moment for me.  Here I was, in what is now (but won't be for long, more on that in another post) MY house.  I'm sweaty, sore, and sad.  So I got to work, after taking a bit of a break.  I told the dogs that everything will be okay, and that we'll be fine (and believing it, I might add), and started purging things myself.  There were things that she didn't want and that I didn't want, so these things found their way to a 45 gallon contractor's garbage bag.  I filled 4 of 'em.  Followed by vacuuming the living room.

I'm looking at my now mostly-empty living room, and made another decision.  I need to simplify.  My knees aren't what they used to be, and I'm basically tired of climbing stairs.  So I move two of the three pieces of my bedroom set into my living room.  My bed, and one dresser.  The third piece (a chest of drawers) will come down probably next weekend, after I clean out the TV stand and purge yet more crap that I no longer need.  So basically the downstairs of my house has become a large Studio apartment.  As I purge more stuff, I'll bring the rest of what I plan on taking with me downstairs so I don't have to do that later.  Good thing there's a bit of room...

Anyway, that's it for now.  I hope you get something out of this, if not now then eventually.  Life-lessons, a laugh or two, or maybe "wow, and I thought I was <fill in the blank here>".  I hope I do too...