Just In Case You Forgot...

I went four days without an episode.  It was glorious.

Until this morning.

It is like my brain did not want to lull me into a false sense of security, and as such a nice, little anxiety attack was served up for me.  While driving into work.  Again.  Thankfully this one wasn't as intense as the one I had last Wednesday.

While I don't know what causes them just yet, I do know when they're coming on, and that all I have to do is keep some semblance of calm and I can manage to get through it.  The only problem with this is it leaves me literally drained for the remainder of the day.  Throw in the nice, 80 degree temps in my office and all I want to do is sleep.  One thing I noticed both last week and this morning:  there was a "hot, popping" sensation that went along with each attack.  This is more than a little unsettling.  I'll have to bring this up to the doc when I see her on Thursday.  I'm sure that will lead to bloodwork.  Yay, vampires...well...'tis the season ;)

In the meantime, I have some questions to ask someone regarding those "hot, popping" sensations.

More to follow, likely on Thursday.  Until then...

Beginnings...

Good morning!

Today, I have my first counseling session.  I'm nervous and excited, for obvious reasons; even though they're obvious I'll explain...

Nervous because this is new territory for me.  I'm not one for seeking help as I have always figured a way to get things done myself.  Relinquishing control is not something I do easily.

Excited because I know I can't do this alone, and I'm ready to get started.

Besides, there may be some hot-looking crazy women there.  And you know what they say about sex with crazy women...What, too soon?

C'mon, you should know me by now...if there's a highly inappropriate joke in there, I'm falling back on my defense mechanisms.

Anyway, wish me luck...

Updating the Crazy...

Wow.  Look at that...two posts in one week.  What will people think?

Hell, nobody reads this.  It really doesn't matter...

Anyway, since Monday I've had episodes on three different days, all roughly at around the same time.  As I now know what it feels like as it comes on it was actually much easier to deal with.  The funny (strange, not funny ha-ha) thing about these is they've all hit right around 10-10:30 AM.  Weird, huh?

After the "big" episodes, I've had smaller ones throughout the day.  I recognize them, but that doesn't mean I still don't think I'm going absolutely nuts.  It sucks.  I really hope it doesn't take the VA for-fucking-ever to get my paperwork processed, but that's what I'm expecting.  The wheels of government turn slowly, and though I realize the VA isn't the government, they work with the government, and the government has absolutely zero inclination to properly take care of the veterans who served it.  Which also sucks, but that's the breaks.

I'm really tired right now, but feel that I still have something to say, and I have no idea what that is.  I have the Counting Crows up pretty loud right now; I still think this is the best CD to come out of the 90's.  Every song is great.  Not merely good, but great.  And all of them are still relevant today, both in mood and sound.  Nothing preachy, nothing topical.  Just really damned good music.

Don't know if I said this in my Monday (Tuesday?) post, but I have definitely put off any ideas of any type of relationship with anybody.  I am not right, and as such I am no good for anybody.  I need to get me right before even thinking of letting anybody into my little world.  Which means I'm alone for that much longer.  But I'd rather be alone now and happy later than run the risk of screwing up somebody other than me. 

The only thing that scares me more than mental illness is the stigma of mental illness.  Once you're labeled, it becomes a lifetime label.  Yes, I know that with the proper medication and therapy I will be able to overcome this or at the very least I will be able to effectively live with it.  That brings me little comfort if I have to change jobs down the road and have to check some kind of box that requires me to disclose how fucked up I am.  I've dealt with, albeit indirectly (as in not me but somebody close to me), the effects that a lifetime illness can have, and frankly it sucks.  A lot.  I really don't want to be walking through the grocery store and have a fucking freak-out session.  But I know it can happen, and likely will.

Ah well, now I'm getting paranoid about shit that hasn't happened yet.  Suck it up, man...you've a long way to go.

Good night...

'Round Here...

I would like to start this entry by saying thank you, Counting Crows, for the inspiration for this post, not to mention the title...

I have issues, and in case it wasn't obvious before, I'm putting it out there.  Over the last twenty odd years, I have either self-medicated (until 2002) and/or thrown all of my focus at others while brushing aside my own issues.  Today, after 7 odd months of living alone, and out of nowhere I had this huge, heavy overwhelming feeling of dread wash over me.  It was crippling...stifling...and I was at work.  Thankfully the guy I work with was out of the office when it hit.  I've spent so much time ignoring myself and hoping that whatever issues I have would resolve themselves over time that I really thought I could fix it myself.  I can't.  Oh, and the drive home was fun, too.  Bouts of crying while driving.  Awesome.

I believe I'm starting to feel the effects of long-buried PTSD.  I woke up this morning feeling better than I had in days, hell, maybe even weeks.  Slept like a rock.  Like a dead rock actually.  Woke up at 6:00 refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle the week.  Until about 10-10:30.  That's when the waves started crashing.  And they wouldn't let up...relentless...waves of dread and depression washed over me like a hard, cold rain.  I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate on anything but the dread.  Like I said, stifling.

It should be noted that in my "exit interview" from military service (that's code for psychiatric evaluation) I was told that I was narcissistic and had traits of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  I really need to research that.  I remember looking it up many years ago, but don't remember anything about it.  I don't think I saw anything that, at the time, sounded remotely familiar.  I think I'll check real quick-like...

Wow.  That's fucking scary as hell.  And I've exhibited many of those symptoms (denial, it seems, is not a river in Africa).  Some of them recently, some not so recently.  Awesome.  But I won't, can't self-diagnose.  I will seek treatment for whatever it is that's going on in my head.

Oh yeah, for shits and giggles I also looked up narcissism, but only to confirm what I already knew.  So this is actually quite comical if you think about it.  If that shrink from 16 years ago was correct, I'm essentially a self-loathing narcissist.  That's fucking hilarious.  Not to mention completely and utterly contradictory. 

Then again, if he was correct, it is really no wonder I'm so fucked up.