'Round Here...

I would like to start this entry by saying thank you, Counting Crows, for the inspiration for this post, not to mention the title...

I have issues, and in case it wasn't obvious before, I'm putting it out there.  Over the last twenty odd years, I have either self-medicated (until 2002) and/or thrown all of my focus at others while brushing aside my own issues.  Today, after 7 odd months of living alone, and out of nowhere I had this huge, heavy overwhelming feeling of dread wash over me.  It was crippling...stifling...and I was at work.  Thankfully the guy I work with was out of the office when it hit.  I've spent so much time ignoring myself and hoping that whatever issues I have would resolve themselves over time that I really thought I could fix it myself.  I can't.  Oh, and the drive home was fun, too.  Bouts of crying while driving.  Awesome.

I believe I'm starting to feel the effects of long-buried PTSD.  I woke up this morning feeling better than I had in days, hell, maybe even weeks.  Slept like a rock.  Like a dead rock actually.  Woke up at 6:00 refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle the week.  Until about 10-10:30.  That's when the waves started crashing.  And they wouldn't let up...relentless...waves of dread and depression washed over me like a hard, cold rain.  I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate on anything but the dread.  Like I said, stifling.

It should be noted that in my "exit interview" from military service (that's code for psychiatric evaluation) I was told that I was narcissistic and had traits of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  I really need to research that.  I remember looking it up many years ago, but don't remember anything about it.  I don't think I saw anything that, at the time, sounded remotely familiar.  I think I'll check real quick-like...

Wow.  That's fucking scary as hell.  And I've exhibited many of those symptoms (denial, it seems, is not a river in Africa).  Some of them recently, some not so recently.  Awesome.  But I won't, can't self-diagnose.  I will seek treatment for whatever it is that's going on in my head.

Oh yeah, for shits and giggles I also looked up narcissism, but only to confirm what I already knew.  So this is actually quite comical if you think about it.  If that shrink from 16 years ago was correct, I'm essentially a self-loathing narcissist.  That's fucking hilarious.  Not to mention completely and utterly contradictory. 

Then again, if he was correct, it is really no wonder I'm so fucked up.