I'm Tired...

Good evening.

I'm tired.  I'm physically tired, I'm emotionally tired, and I'm mentally tired.

I'm tired of doing the same thing, over and over, expecting a different result.

I'm tired of all the crap going on outside my sphere of influence.  I'm tired of the morons who pretend to run this country telling us what we need when these guys can only quickly pass legislation that affects their paychecks. 

I'm tired of the mainstream media ignoring the transgressions of their own while blasting their opposition.

Some say that to achieve some semblance of serenity, you must ignore that which you can't control, and I can't control anything outside my sphere of influence. The problem with that stance is if you don't know what's going on around you, you aren't prepared for anything.

I'm tired of all of it.

I think I'll go to sleep.

One Year Removed...

Wow.

Today marks day 364.  As in 364 days ago, I started this blog.  This is, without a doubt one of the smallest, most insignificant wastes of space on the Internet.  Enjoy!

As I reflect on the last 364, because I do that so much, I realize that not much has changed.  I mean, I have gotten a little older.  Hopefully a little wiser.  Definitely a little crazier.  I'm hoping for a lot wealthier, but I'm not holding my breath.

My life really hasn't changed much.  I am in therapy, which is a good thing.  My home is almost no longer my home, which may be a good thing, depending on what my options will be.  I am still socially retarded.  I still play World of Warcraft when I'm not at work or running errands.  "I'm William Shatner, and I'm a Shaman!"

I am probably less paranoid than I was a year ago, but that's only because I'm thoroughly convinced that something catastrophic will happen in the United States of America in the next 9 months, and am also thoroughly convinced that the Mayans have nothing to do with it.  No, this will be a disaster that has been many, many years in the making.  Everything else going on around it will merely be subtext.  Still hoping I'm wrong here, but not feeling it.

Oh, well.  Only an hour(ish) unitl I get to play WoW again.  Damn, I'm pathetic :P

Same Shit, Different Year

Disclaimer:  If the profanity in the title offends you, maybe you should find a different blog to read.

So, one day shy of one month down in the new year, and things aren't any different.

Today really sucked ass.  I had a nice, hour-long anxiety attack while medicated.  Which is just super.  The worst thing about them is I know they're happening, but can't do anything to stop it.  I tried breathing exercises.  Nope.  I tried talking myself down.  Nope.  Fucking frustrating.

The plus side, and believe it or not there is one, is as of next Monday, I will be under an honest to goodness health care plan, courtesy of the VA.  I applied for medical benefits today, and my application was accepted, based on my combat veteran status.  So war apparently isn't all bad, at least for me.

I am really looking forward to this blog becoming funny.  Looking back on it, it is REALLY freaking dreary.  It does help me to put this down in written form, but I wonder if it helps anybody else.  Or if anybody else is reading.  If they are, I hope it does help, if only to give you a comparison so you can say "damn, I'm glad I'm not THAT guy."

Anyway, I'm going to bed.  Yeah, I'm an animal; 9:40 PM and I'm ready to drop.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

On the cusp of yet another year. According to the Mayans, the last year...

Good evening.

Here we are, at the close of 2011.  Big changes in my life this year, to be sure.  I don't need to recap them in this post; if you want to know what happened to me, read the posts prior to this one.  They're fun and enlightening.  Some of you might even laugh.  Or cry.  It all depends really on how emotional you get.  And your meds.

I write this post @ just after 6PM local time here on the North Coast.  I have no weekend plans, save for World of Warcraft.  I won't be going to any New Years' bashes.  Not my thing.  No, I'll just sit in the house with the dogs and stare at pixels, hoping, praying that the new year is better than the last.

Which brings me to this:  I really, really hope that 2012 goes better.  The Mayans didn't seem to think it would.  Mark December 21 on your calendars for next year, folks, and wait and see.  I imagine there will be widespread crazy in the days leading up to the Winter Solstice.  I remember New Years' Eve 1999.  People were walking around as if in a daze...the tension in the general public was palpable.  Then nothing happened.  Instead of the world going dark, we got to watch Alan Alda wax nostalgic in an interview with Peter Jennings.  Yes, Alan Alda.  I know, right?  It isn't every day that you get to hear an actor give us his views.  Oh, wait...

I've decided I'm going to be prepared, whatever that means.  For what, I really don't know.  If December 22 comes and the world is still turning, then we can all laugh at how paranoid we got.  If December 22 comes and the whole thing's in the toilet, well...

I'll let somebody else figure that one out.

Updating the crazy...

So...

After meeting with my doctor, the inital diagnosis is Panic Disorder w/o Agoraphobia and Non-specific Personality Disorder, meaning I'm showing traits of multiple different personality disorders.

I will be engaging in talk therapy and have been prescribed Zoloft to deal with the depression and anxiety.  Unfortunately that will take a few weeks to really get into my system and I have to just deal with the attacks until then.  Which sucks.  I'm coming out of one now, and it started on my way home this afternoon.  I'm fully aware they're happening, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent them.  I can still function, kind of like "going through the motions" of life, and it takes a bit of effort.

The fear and paranoia were almost overwhelming this time.  I found myself hunched up as if I were cold.  Spooky.  I'm having some difficulty writing this, as I am now very tired; this I have found is normal after an attack.  I know there's a depression component there, and I know I expend huge amounts of energy fighting it.

After I got home I logged into WoW in the hope of shaking it, but I'm not in the mood (for WoW; I'm definitely in the mood of shaking this thing).  So I've decided on a movie for now.  J.J. Abrams' reboot of Star Trek is serving as a nice distraction.  Great flick.

In the end I will likely nap.  I'm tired...so tired...

Just In Case You Forgot...

I went four days without an episode.  It was glorious.

Until this morning.

It is like my brain did not want to lull me into a false sense of security, and as such a nice, little anxiety attack was served up for me.  While driving into work.  Again.  Thankfully this one wasn't as intense as the one I had last Wednesday.

While I don't know what causes them just yet, I do know when they're coming on, and that all I have to do is keep some semblance of calm and I can manage to get through it.  The only problem with this is it leaves me literally drained for the remainder of the day.  Throw in the nice, 80 degree temps in my office and all I want to do is sleep.  One thing I noticed both last week and this morning:  there was a "hot, popping" sensation that went along with each attack.  This is more than a little unsettling.  I'll have to bring this up to the doc when I see her on Thursday.  I'm sure that will lead to bloodwork.  Yay, vampires...well...'tis the season ;)

In the meantime, I have some questions to ask someone regarding those "hot, popping" sensations.

More to follow, likely on Thursday.  Until then...

Beginnings...

Good morning!

Today, I have my first counseling session.  I'm nervous and excited, for obvious reasons; even though they're obvious I'll explain...

Nervous because this is new territory for me.  I'm not one for seeking help as I have always figured a way to get things done myself.  Relinquishing control is not something I do easily.

Excited because I know I can't do this alone, and I'm ready to get started.

Besides, there may be some hot-looking crazy women there.  And you know what they say about sex with crazy women...What, too soon?

C'mon, you should know me by now...if there's a highly inappropriate joke in there, I'm falling back on my defense mechanisms.

Anyway, wish me luck...

Updating the Crazy...

Wow.  Look at that...two posts in one week.  What will people think?

Hell, nobody reads this.  It really doesn't matter...

Anyway, since Monday I've had episodes on three different days, all roughly at around the same time.  As I now know what it feels like as it comes on it was actually much easier to deal with.  The funny (strange, not funny ha-ha) thing about these is they've all hit right around 10-10:30 AM.  Weird, huh?

After the "big" episodes, I've had smaller ones throughout the day.  I recognize them, but that doesn't mean I still don't think I'm going absolutely nuts.  It sucks.  I really hope it doesn't take the VA for-fucking-ever to get my paperwork processed, but that's what I'm expecting.  The wheels of government turn slowly, and though I realize the VA isn't the government, they work with the government, and the government has absolutely zero inclination to properly take care of the veterans who served it.  Which also sucks, but that's the breaks.

I'm really tired right now, but feel that I still have something to say, and I have no idea what that is.  I have the Counting Crows up pretty loud right now; I still think this is the best CD to come out of the 90's.  Every song is great.  Not merely good, but great.  And all of them are still relevant today, both in mood and sound.  Nothing preachy, nothing topical.  Just really damned good music.

Don't know if I said this in my Monday (Tuesday?) post, but I have definitely put off any ideas of any type of relationship with anybody.  I am not right, and as such I am no good for anybody.  I need to get me right before even thinking of letting anybody into my little world.  Which means I'm alone for that much longer.  But I'd rather be alone now and happy later than run the risk of screwing up somebody other than me. 

The only thing that scares me more than mental illness is the stigma of mental illness.  Once you're labeled, it becomes a lifetime label.  Yes, I know that with the proper medication and therapy I will be able to overcome this or at the very least I will be able to effectively live with it.  That brings me little comfort if I have to change jobs down the road and have to check some kind of box that requires me to disclose how fucked up I am.  I've dealt with, albeit indirectly (as in not me but somebody close to me), the effects that a lifetime illness can have, and frankly it sucks.  A lot.  I really don't want to be walking through the grocery store and have a fucking freak-out session.  But I know it can happen, and likely will.

Ah well, now I'm getting paranoid about shit that hasn't happened yet.  Suck it up, man...you've a long way to go.

Good night...

'Round Here...

I would like to start this entry by saying thank you, Counting Crows, for the inspiration for this post, not to mention the title...

I have issues, and in case it wasn't obvious before, I'm putting it out there.  Over the last twenty odd years, I have either self-medicated (until 2002) and/or thrown all of my focus at others while brushing aside my own issues.  Today, after 7 odd months of living alone, and out of nowhere I had this huge, heavy overwhelming feeling of dread wash over me.  It was crippling...stifling...and I was at work.  Thankfully the guy I work with was out of the office when it hit.  I've spent so much time ignoring myself and hoping that whatever issues I have would resolve themselves over time that I really thought I could fix it myself.  I can't.  Oh, and the drive home was fun, too.  Bouts of crying while driving.  Awesome.

I believe I'm starting to feel the effects of long-buried PTSD.  I woke up this morning feeling better than I had in days, hell, maybe even weeks.  Slept like a rock.  Like a dead rock actually.  Woke up at 6:00 refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle the week.  Until about 10-10:30.  That's when the waves started crashing.  And they wouldn't let up...relentless...waves of dread and depression washed over me like a hard, cold rain.  I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate on anything but the dread.  Like I said, stifling.

It should be noted that in my "exit interview" from military service (that's code for psychiatric evaluation) I was told that I was narcissistic and had traits of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  I really need to research that.  I remember looking it up many years ago, but don't remember anything about it.  I don't think I saw anything that, at the time, sounded remotely familiar.  I think I'll check real quick-like...

Wow.  That's fucking scary as hell.  And I've exhibited many of those symptoms (denial, it seems, is not a river in Africa).  Some of them recently, some not so recently.  Awesome.  But I won't, can't self-diagnose.  I will seek treatment for whatever it is that's going on in my head.

Oh yeah, for shits and giggles I also looked up narcissism, but only to confirm what I already knew.  So this is actually quite comical if you think about it.  If that shrink from 16 years ago was correct, I'm essentially a self-loathing narcissist.  That's fucking hilarious.  Not to mention completely and utterly contradictory. 

Then again, if he was correct, it is really no wonder I'm so fucked up.

Been a while...

I know it has been more than a while since my last life-update.  The truth is when you have no life, what seriously is there to update?  Oh, I played WoW.  Again.  And again.  See the picture I'm painting here?

So I'm going to rant.  About nothing particularly personal.

#1 Rant:  The Government.

Seriously?  I mean, truly, seriously?  You clowns, left and right, are destroying what little faith the "little guy" has left in this country.  I mean, I know you don't care.  You don't, and you can admit it.  It's okay.  The only thing you clowns care about is getting re-elected.  So you can continue your years-long theft-in-office retirement plans.  As for your constituents...you may have heard of them...they're known as "the People."

You remember where those guys were first mentioned, right?  As in "We, the People..."

Thought so.

Do us all a favor.  Resign.  Walk away.  Get some people in there who actually give a shit about the country as a whole, and not just the lobbyists that buy you clowns off.  I don't care how or why you go away, just go away.

#2 Rant:  The Economy

This one kinda goes along with the politicians.  Guess what America...we still haven't climbed out of the first recession yet.  I don't give a flying wombat shit what the government or the financial "experts" say, walk up to any random person on the street and ask, and I assure you 7 of 10 (unscientific numbers being pulled from the air, but I'll bet I'm pretty much right on the money here) people are in no better shape than they were 4 years ago, and are likely worse off.

Government needs to keep out of the economy, save for CREATING AN ECONOMIC CLIMATE THAT WILL ALLOW THE PRIVATE SECTOR TO CREATE JOBS.  The government doesn't create jobs.  Hell, our government can't get out of it's own way on the way to the toilet let alone create anything worthwhile.  So yeah, let the government create jobs.  Laughable.  (Agreed, this second part should go in the government rant)

#3 Rant:  News Media/Media in General

I normally don't use language this harsh in this blog, but I'd like to tell the news media, the talking heads, Hollywood stars, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, (can't bash a lib without a con, trying to be fair here) to FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!  How about this, you assclowns in the news media:  REPORT THE FACTS WITHOUT YOUR LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE BIAS.  Most people can form an opinion of something given enough information about it.  FUCKING LET US DO THAT.  And I really don't want or need entertainment industry types chiming in on their viewpoints.  Just because you have a famous name and/or face doesn't mean we want to hear or see you chime in regarding how you feel about what political movement.  Yes, Morgan Freeman, I mean you in this instance.

CNN needs to change names, to CON, and no, I'm not saying they're a conservative network.  Just replace the word News with Opinion, largely due to your left-leaning needle.  Christ, your "reporting" leans like a gas gauge on E.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to see all "news" shows/networks drop the word "news" from their names.  They are feeding opinions in the form of news.  Too much bias.

/end Rant.

Well, that's pretty much all I have for today.  I know it is a huge departure from the usual very personal stuff that I write about, but damn, this is somewhat personal, and should be for all of us. 

This is the future of our nation being laid out before our eyes.  The nation of our children's children.  And not only is it frightening, but it is fucking sad as well.

Good night, and good luck!

New stuff...

Hello world!

Well, I had a plan.  The plan was to drive the car I had for another year, milk the no-house-payment house for as long as I could and save some money.

The car, however, had other plans.  It died.  2 Fridays ago.

So imagine how much fun I had going to a dealership, fresh off a bankruptcy, three DAYS on the new job (which I love, btw), and saying "yeah, I'm a great credit risk!"

I did get a new car, and the one that I wanted no less.  Which makes me happy :)
My credit score was much better than I expected it to be, as well...which is nice.  Now all I have to do is stay happy with the new job and things might just start to look up a bit more.

As for the personal life, you know, romantic entanglements, etc...well, I still don't have any.  Not that I'm in a huge rush to get there or anything, but it is nice to think about it.  Who knows, eventually I might actually NOT play WoW on a Saturday night... 

ROFL, yeah, right.

Anyway, I've started a personal video journal.  I won't be posting it here (hell, I rarely write anything here), and am using it to see where I am in my "rebirth."

Based on the ramblings from my first videologue, I'd say I went back up the birth canal.

Meh, have a good week folks.

Noteworthy events...

It was 98 degrees today, and my car doesn't have air conditioning.  That sucks.

I did get a new job, but it isn't in Michigan, so I will be staying in Cleveland for the foreseeable future.  As I waited for word on around 100 resumes, I sent 6 out to companies in the Cleveland area.  4 phone interviews, 3 in person interviews requested.  I took a good job doing exactly what I want to be doing at this point in my life.   I'm quitting my current job tomorrow and taking a nice, relaxing 10-day vacation, of sorts.  So that's good :)

I also finished my dissolution today, and I'm pretty sad about it.  I will say that my ex and I parted well, and are still great friends; I hope to remain so, and will work towards that end.